the migrant wife

‘I hope you aren’t bored!’ 

That is what I hear a lot (and still do) when I mention that I am primarily a stay-at-home mum. I often don’t know what to say in response to that. I am certainly not more bored than I was when I was working a corporate job! 

This tells us a lot about our culture and what we view as worthwhile. In a society that prizes self-actualisation and self-fulfilment above all else, where any inconvenience must be eradicated in order to maximise your chances of reaching your own self-defined happiness, boredom indicates un-tapped potential, un-used capacity, or forfeited worth. Boredom is a pain that must be soothed. It is a problem that must be solved. What’s worse, if you find something boring, the thing must be bad and must be avoided at all costs. Do something more stimulating. Maybe scroll on your phone or watch a show.

Although I do agree that I struggle with boredom (when it sets in, I brainstorm ideas of businesses I will never start, novels I will never write), I do think that it is a muscle that must be exercised. Boredom itself is not bad. Boredom invites you to be creative, if you learn not to despise it. Many childhood studies show that boredom helps young children develop and learn to entertain themselves. How is that different in motherhood? I don’t think learning to occupy oneself meaningfully stops being a necessary skill once one hits adulthood.

Day In, Day Out

I do think that we often conflate routine with insignificance. Washing dishes, putting away laundry, pushing the buggy, cooking dinner… All of these things are required of me if the home is to continue operating smoothly. Are they routine? Yes. Are they insignificant? No. The everyday rhythms that make the home function are the ones that moored me when my soul felt untethered in the depths of mothering. As much as routines and rhythms served the family and the home, they served me. They gave me a sense of purpose – it was as if the dishes waiting to be done was a reminder that I was needed. What a joy to be needed. We all need to feel needed. 

I believe our Creator made us so that the daily repetition of tasks, of living, like the sun rising and setting at appointed times each day, grounds us to reality, that the fibres of our soul long for not only spatial or visual familiarity, but also temporal familiarity. We want to expect similar things at similar times. Too often we hasten to say that a mother’s job is too boring or underneath me; it is too insignificant for me to do. Get the professionals to do it at minimum wage. And yet, how important do you have to be to be above the business of living? 

He also created us to yearn for belonging, what I describe as being needed by someone, needed somewhere at some time. For me, I am needed at home, by my family, now. 

Gospel Hope for the Insignificant

I would be joking if I said the daily mundanity of house jobs, of childcare, playing, reading, training, excites me daily and engages my analytical and executive faculties to their full potential. However, there is gospel hope for the insignificant. Paul, when exhorting slaves in the church of Colossae, said:

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23-24)

To the church of Corinth, Paul exhorted: 

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58)

In both passages Paul encourages his readers to know that what they do is ‘for the Lord’ (Col 3:23) or ‘in the Lord’ (1 Cor 15:58). Keeping this in view means that we aren’t just washing the dishes – we are washing the dishes to serve the family God has given us, and showing them what humility and servant-hearted service looks like that they may see Christ’s love through us. It also means that the Lord knows what we are doing, whether the big or the small, very often the small, and He is just to reward – our work is not in vain. 

Why is that? We ought to search no further than Christ Himself. Jesus washed his disciples’ feet – -a servant’s job, but nonetheless performed by the King of the Universe enfleshed among us. Jesus carried his own cross to the death – a criminal’s job, but nonetheless borne by the Sustainer of Life who dwelt among His creatures. Because of His death and resurrection, we can put our trust in Him and have new life. What we do matters not only because our Master also did them, but because He has redeemed us to do these good works. That is our purpose, to glorify Him, and He is enabling us through His Spirit. What foolishness to scorn the things He has saved us to do!

It’s Easy to be Lazy

I have to say, though, that there are ten thousand ways to be lazy as a mum. Duration of screen use is a reliable proxy, indicative of our level of faithfulness in stewarding our time. For many mums, motherhood is such a shift from a ‘job’ – there are no benchmarks for success, and the only indicator of the results of your labour is your child’s growth and development, which is itself limited by the passing of time. So why not throw in the towel? It might not matter in the long run, anyway. 

I don’t think there is a way to do motherhood 100% correctly, just as there isn’t a way to do Christian life 100% correctly. God measures us by our faithfulness. But, I do think that aiming for excellence is a good place to start. After all, this is an incredibly important job (as important as what you did being a student, or being employed). The Lord has made man and woman in His image, and part of that He has given us creativity. In Tolkien’s words, we are sub-creators under God. He has given us the faculty to beautify, to order, to create. Perhaps striving for excellence in motherhood involves the utilising of this God-given creativity to serve our families, whether it be to beautify, order, or create. Establishing cleaning routines, encouraging childhood development, fixing a broken piece of furniture, making your own clothes, planning meals, scheduling, and many more ‘mum-jobs’ can be done in haste, or it could be done with excellence. To proclaim boredom in motherhood without first employing one’s efforts to improve any aspect of one’s mothering experience through creativity, reveals one’s heart posture not only about the insignificant, unseen things, but also about God’s gift of creativity. It is easy to be lazy, but not that much harder to be creative! 

Yes, motherhood is hard, and so is most of life. But, gratitude makes everything lighter. It is a balm for the bitter soul. It bandages jaggedy, resentful hearts, sometimes mothers’ hearts which have weathered through seasons of thankless, unseen jobs. I therefore find it fitting to end this piece with a verse that I am trying to commit to memory, a good reminder to apply to all aspects of mothering regardless of my enjoyment of them: 

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)